Years have passed.
Life marches on. Or as it feels, comes to a screeching halt.
This is not for you reader, but for her. For my daughter. The one female who I have loved to the ends of the earth. The one who's heart I have crushed. The one who has crushed my heart. The one who I carried inside of me for over 41 weeks. The first one to call me Mama. My one, my only girl.
My Daughter, MIJ
My girl, who I have not seen in nearly ten months. But of whom I think of daily, hourly - constantly.
MIJ, I know you don't understand my choices, hell at times I don't even understand them. But in my heart, in our hearts...you know, we know. You know why I left. Looking back I should have had a more thoughtful plan. I never imagined it would be like this. I NEVER had intentions of leaving you and little A! No never.
I left your father, our sham of a marriage. I knew from the time I was four months pregnant with your younger brother that things wouldn't work. I knew. But I stayed on for another eight and a half years trying to do what was 'right'. But it didn't work. It was never going to work. Right can't be made.
Imagining all the things I have missed breaks my heart.
Talks at bedtimes
Exploration of the new
First day of high school
Watching your beauty grow
...such an incomplete list
All I have for you is love.
I fear that this rift will not heal. I fear that I fucked up beyond repair. I fear not being able to make it right. I fear you. I fear me. I fear the anger and resentment. I fear my failure. I fear the ache of not having you in my daily life. I fear passing on this fucked up baton and not breaking the cycle that has been passed down from previous generations.
But more importantly dear daughter, I have love. Love that will never dissipate. Love that comes from a place deep inside, from my womb, from my heart, from the very fiber of my being. I thought that having love was enough, but it isn't.
Less than two weeks ago I stumbled upon a phrase of sorts that rocked my world, changed my view of 'love' -- it was, "Love is time" and that dear daughter is where I have failed, along with a thousand other places.
I robbed us of time, unknowingly of love - breaks my heart, crushes my brain to have this simple truth brought to my realization. Makes me sick.
Whats worse, I don't know how to repair it - and yet that is the one thing i want more than ANYTHING!
I will never give up. I will try new ways. I will make sure that my word and my actions align. I will show you love until I can bestow love upon you. I have never wanted anything more than to have you and your brother happy. Truly happy. I have two living children in this world. And both of you are going to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your mama loves you.
Saying I am sorry will never be enough. But I am. I am so very very sorry.
Here are a few thoughts that keep me going and I want to share with you...
*Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
*Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results, but first you have to believe.
*Obstacles can't stop you, Problems can't stop you, Most of all other people can't stop you. The only one who stops you is yourself.
*Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things
*What screws us up in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be
*There is always somebody that loves you. Always! (baby girl, I will always love you...always!)
*Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.
*...but if you never try. You'll never know.
*Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places
*We all need second chances. This isn't a perfect world. I am not a perfect person. I have failed a lot. I have tried a lot too.
*Each new day is a blank page in the story of your life. The secret is in turning that blank page into the best chapter you possibly can
*When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you. Or you can let it strengthen you.
I love you to the moon and back my girl. To the moon and back.
You and I will overcome this. My prayer is that it happens sooner than later.
MIJ - I love you. Always have. Always will. Forever