Feb 5, 2013


Years have passed.
Things change.

Life marches on. Or as it feels, comes to a screeching halt.

This is not for you reader, but for her. For my daughter. The one female who I have loved to the ends of the earth. The one who's heart I have crushed. The one who has crushed my heart. The one who I carried inside of me for over 41 weeks. The first one to call me Mama. My one, my only girl.

My Daughter, MIJ

My girl, who I have not seen in nearly ten months. But of whom I think of daily, hourly - constantly.

MIJ, I know you don't understand my choices, hell at times I don't even understand them. But in my heart, in our hearts...you know, we know. You know why I left. Looking back I should have had a more thoughtful plan. I never imagined it would be like this. I NEVER had intentions of leaving you and little A! No never.
I left your father, our sham of a marriage. I knew from the time I was four months pregnant with your younger brother that things wouldn't work. I knew. But I stayed on for another eight and a half years trying to do what was 'right'. But it didn't work. It was never going to work. Right can't be made.

Imagining all the things I have missed breaks my heart.
First dance
First crush
First heartbreak
Talks at bedtimes
Exploration of the new
Mean girls
First day of high school
Daily life
School projects
Watching your beauty grow
...such an incomplete list

All I have for you is love.
And fear.
I fear that this rift will not heal. I fear that I fucked up beyond repair. I fear not being able to make it right. I fear you. I fear me. I fear the anger and resentment. I fear my failure. I fear the ache of not having you in my daily life. I fear passing on this fucked up baton and not breaking the cycle that has been passed down from previous generations.

But more importantly dear daughter, I have love. Love that will never dissipate. Love that comes from a place deep inside, from my womb, from my heart, from the very fiber of my being. I thought that having love was enough, but it isn't.
Less than two weeks ago I stumbled upon a phrase of sorts that rocked my world, changed my view of 'love' -- it was, "Love is time" and that dear daughter is where I have failed, along with a thousand other places.
I robbed us of time, unknowingly of love - breaks my heart, crushes my brain to have this simple truth brought to my realization. Makes me sick.
Whats worse, I don't know how to repair it - and yet that is the one thing i want more than ANYTHING!
I will never give up. I will try new ways. I will make sure that my word and my actions align. I will show you love until I can bestow love upon you. I have never wanted anything more than to have you and your brother happy. Truly happy. I have two living children in this world. And both of you are going to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your mama loves you.

Saying I am sorry will never be enough. But I am. I am so very very sorry.

Here are a few thoughts that keep me going and I want to share with you...
*Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
*Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results, but first you have to believe.
*Obstacles can't stop you, Problems can't stop you, Most of all other people can't stop you. The only one who stops you is yourself.
*Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things
*What screws us up in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be
*There is always somebody that loves you. Always! (baby girl, I will always love you...always!)
*Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.
*...but if you never try. You'll never know.
*Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places
*We all need second chances. This isn't a perfect world. I am not a perfect person. I have failed a lot. I have tried a lot too.
*Each new day is a blank page in the story of your life. The secret is in turning that blank page into the best chapter you possibly can
*When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you. Or you can let it strengthen you.

I love you to the moon and back my girl. To the moon and back.
You and I will overcome this. My prayer is that it happens sooner than later.

MIJ - I love you. Always have. Always will. Forever